The Official Etiquette Rules for the Vintage Advice Group (Photo: Ann Douglas)
Don’t be fooled by nice manners. What looks like politeness can be pretense used to sugarcoat aggressive, manipulative, or false communication. Look at the content; not merely the cover. In other words; pay attention to what the person is saying, and don’t be fooled by who he is or how he is saying it.
See also It’s so easy to be fooled
Devalue and Discard
A narcissist will quickly devalue and discard his target, claiming he is the victim. His victims are now put in a defensive role by his lies and character assassination. By involving others he is enlarging his circle of those who give him attention. Any attention you may have given him is now replaced and multiplied by other people he manages to fool. A win/win scenario for a narcissist.
He will increase his attempts to provoke his victim into some reaction—the more emotional the better to make her look crazy and himself sane. Do NOT take his bait. It is his trap and setup. Provoking you into a reaction is his goal.
Dr. Vaknin explains: “Even the victim’s relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.”
“Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey’s acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.”
Dr. Sam Vaknin
Narcissism by Proxy, FAQ#42
Related articles
- Some Thoughts I’ve Found About Narcissists… (parentalalienationnj.wordpress.com)
- In Order to Live (imperfectlady.typepad.com)
Find out more:
Men who hate women
From DailyStrength.org:
Read the victims’ personal accounts and notice the similarities between the psychopathic abusers that they describe!
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Lovefraud Blog and Lovefraud.com
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People affected with narcissism or psychopathy have a false belief in their own superiority and a sense of entitlement. An arrogant manner can be an indication of these tendencies.
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“People who are preoccupied with validating a grandiose |
| “…some of the antisocial personality disorder symptoms covary with certain symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder—such as exploitativeness, grandiosity, and a lack of empathy—to form a syndrome very similar to the traditional clinical construct of psychopathy.” |
(Harpur, Hare, Zimmerman & Coryell, 1990; Morey, 1988)
Narcissists’ lack of empathy, feelings of entitlement, and perceptions of being deprived of ‘deserved’ admiration and gratification can make them prone to aggression and vengeance.
The results from this study reveal that straight men’s narcissism is linked to an adversarial and angry stance toward straight women more than toward other groups. Although narcissists may want to maintain feelings of superiority and power over all people, narcissistic heterosexual men are particularly invested in subordinating heterosexual women because they are “gatekeepers in men’s quest for sexual pleasure, patriarchal power and status,” the study authors explain.
Another conclusion from the study is that male narcissists believe that heterosexual relationships should be patriarchal rather than egalitarian.
It is believed that narcissism is an attitude which is present in every individual and is actually important to be confident individuals. However, when this feeling of self worth exceeds certain limits, where one cannot see anyone other than oneself, one is said to have narcissistic personality disorder.
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