Because they are either in
denial, or they simply deny.
Abusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place, rationalize their abusive behaviors, or use tactics to cover themselves—and each other.
Sociopaths are skilled deniers. Where the rest of us would stutter or blush, they can lie with a convincing confidence. They pose as authorities and, to discourage questions, they act “offended” if their audience shows doubt. An arrogant manner indicates a lifetime of “successful” manipulative control tactics and contempt for other people, who they regard as inferior.
- DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim/Offender
- INDIRECT Abusers (acoarecovery.wordpress.com)
- Psychological Abuse : A Silent Abuse (janaandthestone.wordpress.com)
- Emotional Abuse (toddlohenry.com)
- 10 Early Warning Signs of an Abuser (sbstardust3.wordpress.com)
- Denial (menbuildingbridges.wordpress.com)
Denial is a much easier place to live. Plus many have personality disorders, which mean they cannot see their own behaviour as wrong or bad. They know it is, but they lack any empathy, and are clever at projecting blame, or justifying it, or turning themselves into the victims. I have seen this so much in my life. I have learned that to expect them to be accountable, or to want remorse, is futile, and only hurts me more.
You are right, it is better to have realistic expectations than to cling to naive beliefs about good in everyone. Help spread information about personality disorders!
Passive-aggressives are also notorious for this. Deny, with the wide-eyed innocent act, and turn your *natural* angry response against you to paint an ugly picture of you. You cannot “win” with people like this.
What if three woman in one family (two sisters, one of their daughters) all display classic sociopathic traits? Sociopathy can’t be that prominent, can it? We used to think of them as passive-aggressive, till we were confronted with their true colors… despicable people who go to any lengths to get their twisted ways, including manipulating and otherwise mentally/emotionally damaging children they claim to love solely to hurt others, blantly lying to authorities including false claims of child abuse & neglect & endangerment, felony convictions in their no-so-distant histories, absolutely no empathy or accountability, abandoning & neglecting their own children severely… this is literally only the tip of the iceberg. They twist the law to get sympathy, while they constantly & blatantly break laws themselves… and get away with it!
We cannot simply have no contact, as the law says we have to give the “mother” visitation. (I use “mother” lightly.) We are documenting everything, preparing to go back to court to ammend visitation; we are hoping for supervised only, but the law tends to side with the mother, esoecially when she pulls the wide-eyed innocent little girl act. We are scared for my granddaughter’s well being. Sociopathy is hard to prove! (As is passive-aggression.) Where can we turn for help?!
Some passive aggressive behavior most certainly is sociopathic in kind. Where there is a desire to harm, a sense of entitlement, a strictly egocentric outlook, manipulativeness, and no remorse, either term may be equally applicable. I would suggest that you forget about trying to prove sociopathy and, instead, devote your efforts to collecting evidence of abusive behavior. Find out what the law in your state says about candid video and audio recordings. Keep notes. LoveFraud.com has a page with resources; links to professionals who will understand what you are dealing with and who may be able to help. I wish you luck! Please keep us posted about developments — your experiences may be helpful to others.
Thank you for your prompt response. 🙂
I didn’t mean prove sociopathy, per se; rather, prove their tactics.
We are in California. Very much a two-party consent law RE: audio recordings, ambiguous RE: video (hidden perhaps two-party, not hidden perhaps one-party). We have a video recording from last week that I neither hid nor announced explicitly; I held my cell phone visibly while recording the interaction. She later claimed that my son & I were “yelling hurtful things at her,” which the video expressly shows otherwise, so I am hoping that this will be admissible if needed.
The mother voluntarily moved 3,000 miles away over a year ago, my son has sole legal & physical custody… yet she abuses her 1-2x yearly visits (i.e., he gave her two weeks’ visitation, she signed an agreement, then immediately told him in a Facebook message that she will not comply with said signed agreement and she refuses to return my granddaughter for 6 weeks), she takes the child places he expressly forbids, she & her family members manipulate the child in rather cruel ways to attempt to turn the child against us… and they never get caught because they are covert and we cannot legally record the interactions without informing them of recording; and of course they put on their “public” behavior if they are aware of recordings.
Police side with her in spite of providing all legal custody/visitation documentation to them, simply because she is the “mother.” She plays “poor me” and the police take her side *and* write in their reports about us being the “bad guys” because we have the audacity to enforce the legal agreement signed by a judge.
What good are court papers when authorities ignore them?! We have 100% complied with the law, they at least 95% thumb their noses at the law… and we are still treated as the bad guys by the authorities.
These people have ZERO remorse, and they are hurting my granddaughter! She was very much a part of the maternal family’s lives, until they tried (via lies to CPS & the court; fortunately their claims were “unfounded” that time) to take guardianship of her simply & literally because he wouldn’t agree to 50% custody to the maternal grandmother! None of this had to happen; they could have continued to see her weekly, but this is how they insist on doing it… to only see her 1-2x yearly, spending all their time & energy the entire visit manipulating everyone, especially the 3-yr-old child, into “favoring” them over the one form of stability she has: her Daddy. Then, of course, there are weeks to even months of repairing the damage done to her, only to begin again the next visit with “Mom.”
I’m sorry for rambling. I am simply at my wits’ end, and my son is being worn down by these despicable people. Since there has been no physical abuse to our knowledge, we are treated by authorities as falsely accusing and paranoid. It is all a ridiculous “He said, she said” situation, because we are not allowed in California to record these interactions. We are still struggling to pay off the retainer fee for last year’s lawyer, who did no more than Legal Aid would have done; he took our money and did no more than fill out forms, and couldn’t even be bothered with showing up to scheduled court dates! Meanwhile, they told blatant & outrageous lies under the penalty of perjury, and had no repercussions for perjuring themselves… so of course they continue. I am waiting for them to make the ultimate false accusation, which they *will* make if/when they have enough access to her to be able to coach her.
How does one go on the offensive against people like this, instead of constantly having to defend against the lies & manipulation? (Mostly rhetorical.) All we want is to protect my granddaughter from their actions & behaviors, prevent them from teaching her to behave like they do. She deserves to be loved and nurtured, not be a rope in their game of Tug-o-War!
This is terrible, and I don’t suppose it is of any comfort to tell you that you are not alone; that there is nothing unusual about your story. Your lawyer, it seems, didn’t understand the true nature of the conflict and couldn’t relate it to the judge, or he just didn’t care to do his job after pocketing his fee. (If I were you, I would file a grievance report with the CA Bar Association. Check their website!) You need to find professional help that is knowledgable and experienced in dealing with personality disordered offenders. I suggested Lovefraud.com as a start. Also, I recommend reading and educating yourself so that when you speak on the matter, you will be able to refer to facts, use in-the-know terminology, and sound more objective and authoritative. Some suggestions: BPD Distortion Campaigns and Sociopaths In Our Midst Hate the Truth and Its Advocates. Print them out in whole or in parts and present them whenever you can to support your own accounts of events.
Another comment that bears repeating; the bad guys always win because the world doesn’t recognize psychopathy. When victims realize that they are not alone and not at fault, they are empowered to speak up, share their experiences, and demand protection and justice. Many voices will raise general awareness, more people will recognize psychopathic behaviors, and psychopathic individuals will be held in check, or at least, they’ll have reason to fear exposure and we’ll see a limiting effect on more blatant abuse.
You can help your case and help others by sharing your story. Write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper. Consider hiring a journalist — they’re cheaper than lawyers and can, in some cases, be more effective. Get a written statement from a counsellor who understands psychopathy. If authorities ignore your court papers, take them to higher-ups and include an article by a renowned expert about psychopathic deception and manipulation in child custody cases. Understand that you are not fighting only for your granddaughter; your struggles are making the world a better place for her children and her children’s children.
Reblogged this on hippygurl61's Blog.
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My brother passed away on Friday 3/4/2016. He had abused my Father physically, mentally , and stole all of his funds. He put his home in my Father’s name, credit card, cars etc. My father was only 86 lbs, when I saved him from the nightmare from Hell. He had fallen in his son’s home and was never taken to a Hospital for an emergency evaluation. My father spent almost one year in a VA hospital. This was even worse!!! My father had to have a severe surgery on his neck. My father had me promise him that I would not allow his son near him. He was so scared of his son, oldest daughter and youngest daughter.My father had post-traumatic Stress. I stayed in the apartment with help from a caregiver taking care of my father. He died peacefully . The problem is that the day that my Father was dying , my brother’s son called me wanting to come over .I had said’ No, because my brother your Father had abused my Father which was their Grandfather. My nephew started screaming at me like a nut case. Five years later my brother died a terrible death. I called this same nephew to give my respect and since I live in ILLINOIS near my daughter which is 7 -8 hours drive to Ohio , I asked if it was okay for me to come but he was nasty like before and had said that I had made so many lies about their father, that his brother and sister do not want me there. I was my Father’s daughter first, but I am also a counselor. I respected all of my Father’s wishes and stayed by his side under Hospice , sleeping next to him in a recliner for three months. Before my father was unable to talk, he had said ” I was worth a million dollars to him. ” I think about all that my father had endured and all I wanted was to have his ending, journey as peaceful . I didn’t want him scared and that’s exactly what I had promised him. I had received a phone call upon my father death from a Specialist Md from the Va Hospital. Because no one wanted to listen to me and not have his son touch his coffin. The doctor did say. ” That in all of the years that he had been working at the VA hospital, he had never seen a daughter so obligated to her Father. He also said ” He ‘s is gone and he can’t hurt your father anymore. ” I am by myself and I can’t believe how people can and will always be or have toxic behaviors. ” Denial , they put the truth under the rug and ignore the true facts that this was really done by my brother to our Father. I need help in trying to forgive all that I had endured.