by Steve Becker, LCSW • Lovefraud.com
Stonewalling is when someone shuts you down from communicating. He just “bails” on your efforts at communication, refuses to take you seriously; refuses to engage a discussion of your concerns. He may ignore or dismiss you, express fatigue with you (and your concerns); he may listen without offering a thoughtful, respectful response, and then credit himself for having listened.
In any case, his unthoughtful, lazy, dismissive, or flat-out non-response to your feelings and concerns captures the essence of stonewalling and will reflect his pure contempt for which he’ll take no responsibility.
Rather, he may depict you as a boring windbag who doesn’t know when to “stop talking,” or who’s always making or looking for “trouble,” without recognizing or owning how his insistent refusal to listen, his determination NOT to listen, actually provokes, passive-aggressively, your very instinct to “talk” and “pursue him” until he gives a meaningful response. If you do persist, he may complain to others that he is being “harassed” for no reason, pointing out that he is doing “nothing” to you.
He may flat-out tell you he’s bored by, and uninterested in the concerns you raise, regardless of how strongly you feel about them, and regardless of how strong your need to discuss them is. It may be that the more urgency you feel to broach your concerns, the more he’ll contemptuously stonewall you.
His rebuff will feel cruel and leave you feeling especially helpless. It will also very likely be dripping with some form of passive-aggressive, if not aggressive, contempt.
Now this is stonewalling, and stonewalling is a nasty, hurtful thing to do to someone; it leaves the stonewalled party feeling as negated as a person can feel.
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The stonewaller’s absence of empathy for the stonewalled party, perhaps even the relish the stonewaller takes in messing with the stonewalled party’s head, in watching her twist and squirm and perhaps make humiliating efforts and bids to be heard—there can be something actually sadistic about this.
Stonewalling will tend to elicit some common feelings in the stonewalled party—among them shame, anger, rage, infuriation, humiliation, desperation (to be heard), helplessness, and a sense of being driven crazy.
Stonewalling, then, is a form of “gaslighting” insofar as it can leave the stonewalled party feeling as if she’s speaking a foreign language inaccessible to the stonewaller even though she knows perfectly well the stonewaller speaks the language, literally, but either refuses to speak it or “acts” like he doesn’t.
This can have a “crazy-making” effect, as if he’s accusing her (as he may very well do) of speaking incomprehensibly.
Stonewallers, whether sociopaths or not, are seriously disturbed communicators. Their indifference to the stonewalled party’s experience, as noted, can be chilling. Their stonewalling often reflects character pathology, in which case they won’t change—they will always be stonewallers.
Stonewallers are destructive people and it’s best to avoid them for your sanity’s and dignity’s sake. I make this strong suggestion where the stonewaller refuses to assume total and genuine responsibility for his stonewalling, which is too often the case.
You need to stop banging your head against the “wall” (the pun is apt) trying to reach the stonewaller, because he is not reachable. Futility is what you are left feeling again and again, until you feel depressed and hopeless. The futility is not in your head. It is real, and will always be the experience with the stonewaller, who disowns responsibility for the suffering his stonewalling causes you.
Identify the stonewalling people in your life; if they can’t, or won’t, take charge of their stonewalling, get them out of your life as best, completely and fast as you can.
By Steve Becker, LCSW. Use of the male gender pronoun was strictly for convenience and not to imply that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.
Related articles
- When ‘Withholding’ is a Toxic Tactic (sophias-children.com)
- How to spot a sociopath—10 red flags that could save you from being swept under the influence of a charismatic nut job (smithsfieldofshame.wordpress.com)
- Sociopaths—Controlled and Uncontrolled (robertlindsay.wordpress.com)
Psychopath Resistance 
The difference between stonewalling and no contact lies in the intent: stonewalling is used to shut a person out or avoid blame and no contact is used to protect a person from someone they view as dangerous or toxic. Why continue contact with someone who exploits and abuses you? The trick is to learn patience and wait for a reply or cut your losses and move on. there are many reasons why some people are not available to reply, and dating advises daters not to appear too eager. Guess it’s a case of games and indirect communication either way. You can’t force intimacy and you can’t make a liar speak the truth. Stonewalling used as a power trip is like a mother ignoring her distressed child’s cries for attention. It takes a certain type of heartless character to use this intentionally to hurt another person.
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Oh, God. Just realized my husband is a ‘stone-waller’
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My husband is definitely a stonewaller. And a very boring person.
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my ex does this. for good this time since he now knows that i know he is a sociopath. the worst part of this is the lack of closure the survivor gets. it takes everything i have to not call him and blast him with my thoughts of what he is. a pathetic coward. but its pointless. i say stonewall them back.
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My ex best friend did this to me. It’s so cowardly and chicken-hearted. When I publicly busted him on his behavior then all of a sudden I turned into “the worst person in the world.” What a dink.
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My spouse exactly. Of all the research I did on his behavior, this is the first I have read about stonewalling. He is is definitely a sociopath and a stonewaller. After half my life wasted I am about to unload him.
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I HAVE TO DEAL WITH STONEWALLING PSYCHOPATHS: THEY ARE IN POWER AND ABUSING A LOVED ONE. HOW? Any leads, reads, suggestions, soon…..
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There are so many variables to each incident that it doesn’t make sense for an outsider to advise. I hope you realize that a stonewaller is on a power trip and will not respond to reason, although he/she may negotiate if you have something they want. In some cases, exposing the stonewaller’s behavior can be effective. However, a raging vengeful backlash, as commenter Sinderella experienced, is the norm.
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IF SOMEONE STONEWALLS YOU JUST KNOW THIS IS THE WORST KIND OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE. BE DONE , NO EXCEPTIONS. AVOID THESE KINDS OF PEOPLE AT ALL COSTS EVEN IF IT HAPPENS TO BE YOUR MOTHER.
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@andrew try finding out more about techniques such as silent treatment, ghosting , avoidant abuse, covert manipulation etc. there is a lot of info on it on the net i was in same situation and finally I found out what i had to do. I realise now that simply backng off and cutting contect can be counterproductive, as it simply allows and furthers the abusers stonewalling, and can be self violating. learning how to become more differentiated and developing and empowered stand/narrative – which engages with the stonewaller – without any need for response from them, are some GREAT techniques.
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Sounds great! Can you recommend some web sources?
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I had this happen with a so-called friend. This woman was a person whom I deeply admired, but it was completely a one-sided friendship, with me doing all the work, but she controlled everything.
She also lied about inconsequential things, which I never understood. Yes, harmless white lies that excused her from making any effort in the friendship, but she added detail to it. That always confused me.
Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
The only effort she made is when I was “leaving” the friendship, then she’d pull me back in. Last time, I asked her to NOT contact me, but she did anyway and turned the tables around on me.
I then felt bad and begged her back; mind you, she had just said that the decision to continue the friendship was up to me and she’d be waiting for an answer. When I did, she said “no, no, it’s too soon to answer.”
I begged and pleaded and then she excused herself from the convo, saying she had to go to bed. I issued one last please, and then five minutes later (she had just said she was going to bed) she just said “sure.”
I sent her another facebook friend request and she coincidentally accepted it only after I had e-mailed it, giving up any remaining power/control I had in the friendship, by telling her “we’ll do things 100% your way.”
The next time I saw her, I apologized for how I had acted by trying to walk away (ridiculous, I can see that NOW, couldn’t see that THEN) and she lowered her voice and said “you need to stop apologizing! Ugh!” and
she kind of shook her head, like she was shaking it off, and then her voice returned completely to normal. That always caught me off-guard. We’re relatively new friends and I’ve never been spoken to like that by a “friend.”
Weeks later, I text messaged her “how was your weekend” and she immediately took to excuses as to why she hadn’t been on Facebook; these are unprompted lies, indirectly excusing why she’s never making any time for me.
Then she gives me a time to meet her, in 3 weeks. She was always doing that, too; I’d contact her in some form and she’d say “hi, I’m good, let’s have lunch in a month from now at this time.” And I went along with that.
She controlled how we interacted, as well. It almost felt like I was her side-lover, LOL. She didn’t want to communicate via technology (she was adamant that she didn’t do technology as a form of communication) during the times when
we weren’t hanging out, but when she felt like it- usually the day before we were to meet- we’d text back and forth like BFF’s. But everything was in her control. And if I questioned, she’d lie…just a lil’, not enough to be harmful to me, but just enough for her to wiggle out of a real response.
So when she fed me lies, I cancelled the time of our next hang-out and asked for a traditional friendship, with her willing to put any effort in. Not 20 minutes later, w/o a word, she unfriended me on facebook but left me unblocked. I’m sure she knew I was going to come running back and she knew, all too well, what the “friendship” meant to me. I had such a fear of “losing her” that overpowered any rationality on my part.
Two weeks went by and I broke down and went running back. Over a course of 3 or 4 days, I tried to contact her. Each day, I tried a different avenue. I sent her an e-mail, nothing. I sent her a FB message, and that went unread (she would read them pretty quick, before, but take a week to respond- everything was done when she felt like it). I asked her in those communications, to reconsider her decision- to give it another two weeks and to at least give it until the date of upcoming birthday. Nothing.
Days went by and I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I was going crazy, frantic. Was she just mad at me because I cancelled on her? Hurt? What was it? She wasn’t saying ANYTHING. In the past, when friends have crossed a line with me,
I’ve been very blunt, “I no longer want to pursue this friendship” and that has always ended it. I would never just leave a friend begging me, cutting them out like they didn’t exist, without telling them I’m not going to be in it anymore.
So finally, my husband said “this woman is no good. She’s borderline abusive. You’re going to get sick over this and I think it’s time you walk away.” So, I did and it hurt like you wouldn’t believe.
The push and pull of our “friendship”, with me leaving and her dragging me back in, became highly addictive.
I sent her one final facebook message, wishing her the best and then I blocked her from both me and my husband’s profiles. It wasn’t out of anger or to teach her a lesson- that was never going to happen- but it was too tempting to look at her profile and beg again. Also, Facebook has this stupid algorithm where even if you unfriend someone, you will then continue to pop up in their People You May Know. In addition to them popping up, so will their respective family and friends. I didn’t want to keep seeing that, so I blocked her to resist the urge of contacting her again and to avoid seeing a daily reminder.
Nearly two weeks later, I got word from some folks (I was a customer at her business) that she was talking to her superiors about me and how I couldn’t let her go, how I was harassing her, and she felt scared. Ummmm, the last message I send you is telling you I wish you the best and then blocking you and I haven’t said a word to you since (for a few weeks). NOW you’re saying this to people at your work?! Why? And that hurts me so, because I always put her feelings before my own and I said as much to her. She was well aware of that. I would never want anything negative for her and was nothing but “too nice” as my family puts it.
Exactly two weeks later, on the very day I asked her to think about it until, someone resets my Facebook password. Seems strange, as she’s the ONLY person with that e-mail address AND it was on the very day that I asked her to think about it until. I don’t think she was trying to hack me, because then you’d have to try and hack my e-mail account, which wasn’t tampered with and rec’d no password reset…so I’m unsure as to WHY she PROBABLY did it. In 6 years on being on Facebook, I’ve only rec’d the reset password link once…when I did it. So the purpose of it, escapes me. Was it a hint for me to come back? A trigger to remind me that today was the day I gave her until? Was she trying to block me back? Was she trying to get me to unblock her, only to get me into trouble? I don’t know and never will.
It’s been a month and not a day goes by when I have to resist the urge of running back, even after badmouthing me to her cohorts and PROBABLY resetting my password. To not say a WORD to me, while begging you back, when I’ve been nothing but nice to you, bent over backwards for you, and relinquished any control of the “friendship”, seems so cruel. And every day, I have to remind myself of that.
My husband said she’s very, very mean and selfish, to say the least and if I go crawling back to her, he’s going to have an intervention for me. Anyway, if she would accept me back, I’m sure there would be a punishment of some sort, involved. She would never apologize or admit to anything and when I tried to apologize, she scolded me.
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Omg that sounds all too close for comfort to the situation I have been through on and off and on and off again for the past 3 years.
I don’t know how long you have known your so called friend.
But if mine was longer all I can say is you have to stay strong and listen to your husband. Who cares more about you than this friend will (unless he is jealous of her having had a friendship with you but I doubt that)
What will happen if you go back to her is the same old cycle over and over again because the sociopath or narcissist will never acknowledge your feelings or concerns and if they ever do or did it was not for real and they likely lied . They will always take more than they give if they ever give at all and it will not only put your life, mind and heart in ruins it will for sure put an extra added undue strain on your relationship with your husband.
I know how hard it is not to run back. And I keep emailing stuff to the woman I once thought could be a friend because it just sucks to know there will never be any real closure and or conflict resolution because to these types there is no such word as real friendships or relationships . It’s all a game to them and they play people like they are chess pieces . It’s all about power and control and all they do is manipulate you , and blame you until you’re confused , torn , feel like you’re going crazy , then they might even actually accuse you of being crazy and the one who is disorders mentally. You can’t ever get them to apologize for anything and don’t ever expect anything like you have ever had in the past that would be normal interactions and communicating with real friends because they are not capable of having a real friendship . They lack the important parts of the front of the brain that normal people don’t. I wouldn’t let her back in my life if I were you unless you go on Dr Phil and make her get a brain scan and prove that she isnt disordered (although don’t ever say all that to her ) she doesn’t care enough I’m guessing to even do that if it was a requirement because it was always you running back to her. And the reason some of the things you said she said but even more so how she said things felt not normal is because those types of reactions are meant to go over your head for now because it amuses them to see just how much control over you they have and at the same time they are laughing inside at you because you’re still naive enough to not fully grasp just how evil they are and just don’t care that’s why they think it’s funny for you to keep running back to them wanting to keep a friendship that was never real and never will be real . Youre just a source of supply for them and entertainment when they get bored.
Stay strong and may peace be with you.
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Wow. You certainly are insightful. Your words nailed it so well that they inspired this meme, I hope you like it:
Thanks for sharing and supporting other victims. Please don’t stop writing and raising awareness about this vital issue!
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Hi, good article but what if the stonewaller is your ex whom you must communicate with due to a child in common ? He constantly uses this technique to throw my plans into wack especially around the holidays. I divorced him because he was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive.
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As you may imagine, your predicament is not uncommon. Divorce issues are usually most unsettling and it becomes particularly traumatic when the other party is personality disordered. It is a serious problem when judges, lawyers, and child welfare officials lack psychopathy education and attempt to split fault and responsibility equally between the divorcees when, in reality, it is only one of the parties who pretends, abuses, and lies.
What can we do? Keep talking about these issues! Educate yourself and contribute to raising awareness of personality disorders by sharing your experiences wherever you can.
For help with your own situation, find a counsellor with knowledge and experience of narcissism and psychopathy. Maybe there is a support group in your area? And definitely: keep a diary and collect evidence.
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I have to add that being ignored and lied to for a long period of time has had a profound effect on our whole family with him looking like the victim but with that said he has a team of Mormons behind him and frankly a lot of money “laundering” to cover up.
Moving on would be easier if he had not bribed and destroyed children. Very frightening and frankly I will proceed to totally eliminate him any reminates of him from my life PRONTO.
I never knew people could be so evil as to destroy their own children so very sad and should be illegal as hell.
Watching one go crazy and his dad sit there and laugh at him literally while he was hospitalized. Things so unreal that I could not grasp them until totally disconnecting and still looking back and feeling like I should have done more and left sooner.
I will divorce and never look back…ever.
For all of you that have experienced gas lighting…stay strong and leave ASAP. Keep passing the message and educate people on such damaging abuse.
Please pray for our children. Much love to all.
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Please find out about AVOIDANT ABUSE – stonewalling, ghosting are forms of covert passive aggressive violence, and there are BETTER responses than simply accepting their NC no contact, or persisting in trying to control the other by forceful means. Instead, developing RESILIENCE (decreasing fusion and becoming for differentiated) developing an ENCOMPASSED STANCE are EXCELLENT responses to stonewalling and excommunication, which enable the recipient to regain their empowerment. Please read more lot of info on the net and there are books on it as well.
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THANK YOU EVERYONE
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TO UYPOI I can’t find anything on AVOIDANT ABUSE only on avoidant personality disorder; or as you mention in response. Books I have read, tactics which probably work in personal relationships HitbackhardRevenge/evil. . I HAVE NO POWER. A few of the associations/organizations….”we are an educational organization – we work to PREVENT ABUSE..” one politician and an expert have personally apologized to me; “Yes I know it is a case of abuse but I, we cannot get personally involved, I wish there was some way we could help.” Even, “I’ll pray for you.”
A senator responsible for UNENFORCABLE LEGIISLATION. “I know it’s difficult…” I was furious.
Medical facts don’t matter. Recently the retaliation was major I am certain they were tipped off – it corresponded with the summer elder abuse summit at the White House then got together right after that with various groups and people to prepare for meetings here in upstate NY; they work together. What a front.
For the first time in three years restrictions were lifted in that at least – no chaperones. So my husband and I would go pick her up. She is pushed out the door and delivered back at the door. Something always goes wrong like no eye glasses etc. On returning she screams and cries. Before you know it , it’s over – ANOTHER SET-UP. I received nasty nasty e-mails AND a letter from the attorney. This was the first week in October. All visits ended .I was told that: I have deliberately risked everyone’s life when picking her up and bringing her back, I refused to LET MY MOM ENTER THE RESIIDENCE. ON AND ON. The chaperones had quit due to my repeated abusive behavior towards them – Huh you just eliminated them! I repeatedly disobey Dr’s. orders (I never got one to disobey – forbidden as I am to do ANY CARE !!!) I curse and use racial slurs – my Mom worked for the Dems in top positions – she was president of a branch of the NAACP. She took me to Selma for Freedom Day. To Congress when LBJ signed in the Voting Rights ACT I grew up in NYC. I met my husband in JHS where the student body was 85% minority. I have not made a racial slur in 58 years.. (Long vague list – past tense! Less than 2 weeks before SAME PERSON WRITES – “The Guardianship team met and decided the chaperone requirement will be lifted. ANOTHER SET UP TO HUMILIATE AND ABUSE – NOW it’s CHAPERONE’S QUIT because I WAS ABUSIVE??? One of them called and wrote -” I DID NOT QUIT!! According to YOU the job ended!” The paper trail reads like a soap opera. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.
WE RECORDED EVERYTHING ON SPY PENS WHICH WE REVIEWED.
Mom often refused to enter and she did cry wanting to stay with me. She was physically torn from my embrace. Burly staff members were enlisted. THAT translates to my being disruptive and dangerous and uncooperative. I MAKE HER ACT LIKE THAT.
I was offered 2 weeks later – 2 days a week 3 hours at a time CLOSELY CHAPERONED. (The caregiver has been instructed on the ground rules) ALL CONVERSATION WILL BE THREE WAY. No embrace beyond 30 seconds. You may embrace at the beginning of the visit and at the end. You will not enter a restroom with her. IN response to her questions such as, “Why do you leave me, I need you, Don’t leave me., I need you all of the time….We used to be together all of the day all of the time daughter …I will die without you…” (Her “guardian” has heard all of these words and more. My Mom has spit on her tried to hit her more than once. (Meaningless – I make her do that).
I am to say, “We are grown women now, It isn’t right for grown women to live together… It’s just not right Mom,…I am married now.” Something like that. Or,” I can’t stay with you I have something important to do.” She knows better. She knows lies. She asks, “Who has taken you?” or (breaks my heart) “What did you do?”
I consulted with three experts in the field – two of them who know her. For someone with profound memory loss 6 hours a week is insignificant . Her emotional memory is intact. She is emotionally salient and sensitive. To dismiss a loving Mother like that is cruel. Unable to make sense of it – coming from me the one person in the world she loves, trusts, needs, lives for, depends on she may lash out in pain. I would be told “You agitated and upset your Mother. You were informed in advance that if you did this again all visits would come to an end. It will end in agitation and disruption of some kind. More likely I WOULD DISOBEY THE END.
AND HERE WE GO AGAIN. THEREFORE I WAS ADVISED. DO NOT AGREE.
I remain the ONE PERSON – she is visited by a friend who reports back and ONE OTHER PERSON gets her on the phone. “They may not remember what you did or what you said or your name – but they always remember how you make them feel. I have her letters. 400+ Hundreds confiscated.
(Every day something is invented – I deliberately risked her life… forced her to walk beyond her endurance in 10 degree below zero weather wearing spring clothing (I am banned from physical contact)- having REFUSED TO BUY HER APPROPRIATE WINTER CLOTHES. That month the weather never went below 38 degrees and 2) I AM NOT HER NYS ARTICLE 81 Personal Needs Guardian responsible for her clothing needs. More BS. “Chaperoned” as we are only another one of hundreds this one tame. Quoting Christian poetry is “proof of forced oral sex.” (I love you more than tongue can tell) My husband took a photo of us hugging when we picked her up. Someone’s foot was in the picture as the door was closing. We were accused of committing a felony crime; we didn’t receive written permission in advance to take this person’s picture!!! ,”One more incident like this you will suffer serious repercussions….” Worse. Of attempted murder. My Mother’s nickname was Napolean. The youngest smallest child, the boss. To this day her friends call her Nappy. She is the most witty sarcastic person I know. I was taking her to a Doctor’s appointment one day when this was starting. The cab driver and the cab company were given explicit instructions and everything was monitored. Before we left the “old folks home” I of course packed a sweater and a few other things in a bag. A block away the cab was told to turn around to return there. Having been seen packing a bag, I was planning on absconding with her, of course. I am set up like this constantly. Mom wanted to know what was going on. I told her She screamed. No, she was not going back there, she hates it there, she is staying with me. I looked out the windows, and as ha ha facetious and sarcastic big face as I could muster I took her hand looked straight at her and said, ” Well Napolean, ever jump out of a moving car?” Not missing a beat dead pan she said, “NOT TONIGHT JOSEPHINE, I HAVE A HEADACHE..” From that – TO THIS DAY 3 years later I am an attempted murderer. Then my brother jumped in and apparently said “Oh yeah, when I was there I caught her trying to push my Mother out of her bedroom window.” My husband reminded me that the windows DID NOT OPEN WIDER THAN FOUR INCHES. And on and on it goes. “If all goes well for the next three months all restrictions will be lifted. But something is invented. Constantly. Often functionally, neurologically impossible. Or fake felonies. For which I offer proof. But, “Nothing you have to say has any merit or significance.” I cannot speak to my Mother on the phone again. Nor see her. It seems no one may. i.e. My Mom was on the phone with me and as always her calls are monitored – she is followed around, cannot be private she screams “Go away!” One day she screamed at a staff person “I hate it here, I only love my daughter I’m going home to NYC to live with her again I’m not going to live here anymore!” (a professional writer she has written 400 + notes same message). [“DEMENTIA IS A DISEASE OF COGNITION IT IS NOT A DISEASE OF EMOTION.” Emotional salience lasts until pre-morbid even morbid stages. One’s last breath. My Mother is lucid and high functioning with me because she feels comfortable. She never used to feel what Sabat calls negative social positioning. Now she is in fear always].
I was told I MADE HER SAY THIS. Staff heard me say, “Mom, tell them you hate it there and that you only love me…etc.” My Mother has Alzheimer’s disease and vascular dementia. (diffuse widespread subcortical vascular dementia), I have a copy of her MRI report from 2009. I have copies of cognitive tests done in 2008. My Mother could not follow simple commands with full visual demonstration in 2008 such as, “Put the pen on the book like this.” She could not initiate the clox test. She could not recall after 15 seconds “girl, book, apple.” Other tests of executive function indicated impairment. She could count up to 12. She could not count backwards nor recall the alphabet. To suggest that seven years later her ability to recall, initiate, institute and follow through on multi step commands is intact is impossible. That verbally she can not just mimic but translate from “MOM tell them YOU hate it there” to – “II hate it here…etc” without a pause, no hesitation in speech, no difficulty in word finding, no short term memory, full grasp of syntax, grammar, tense, person is functionally impossible. She does not have the neuronal capacity. I have attempted to say this. To more than one person on the “guardianship team,” and at the memory care facility. So did our expert mediator. Shut down. This is not the first time. “You have been warned before. Inciting your Mother to say such things is not appropriate behavior on your part. She is very happy there and it only serves to upset and confuse her.” 1.5 years of mediation with an elder/dementia expert. Mediation with attorneys. Worse. (I have been barred from ALL contact with my Mother for months at a time – during which time she has written up to a hundred notes begging for me. When friends have gotten through to her she says on the phone before anything else – “Help me, Find my daughter!” (PHIONE CALLS STOPPED). Despite knowing since 1917 that short term memory loss is the first and foremost symptom of this disease – when Dr. Alois Alzheimer gave his first public speech – I am told that I FORCE her to say that; “I am an expert in elder and dementia care not all patients with Alzheimer’s disease have ANY PROBLEMS WITH MEMORY AT ALL.. that years later I am still not only a heinous sex abuser I am also an attempted murderer. That I lived with her for ten years before we were kicked out and have letters from doctors and other professionals saying that her care was outstanding, her health excellent she was high functioning well beyond what her testing would indicate – “due to the dignified, emotionally supportive and stimulating environment supplied by her daughter?” Meaningless. Return to sender. Friends who know us and of her fear and estrangement from her son;; they refuse to speak to them or read their letters. But they will do whatever her son suggests and believe anything he makes up – having tricked her into signing legal documents when she lacked capacity and taking every item from her home – belonging to her, me and my husband all of us living there until we were forced out. Worse than greed, gone is everything else. My Mother wrote speeches for a winning Presidential candidate. Her large apartment had everything I stored in it too, the years my husband was there, his belongings, you name it. Items left to me by my beloved Godfather who died while we were there, my Dad. Everything marked. I paid for the move and packing.
“Nothing concerning her life before the guardianship has any merit or significance.” (Not even her medical history – malice coupled with stupidity is astounding Conversely, my brother is quoted left and right and attends meetings. HE WAS NOT THERE. That I am an advance practice RN did not endear me. “Nothing you, she… have to say has any merit or….” Stock answer for everything.
SINCE THEN I HAVE NOT RESPONDED TO: I REQUEST THAT YOU MEET WITH ME TO GO OVER THE GROUND RULES BEFORE VISITS RESUME… ) I don’t plan to until the ground rules change. Lately they are getting more kiss ass. .
“It saddens me that I have not heard back from you.” “I am certain your Mother misses you.” This from the woman who said I am a “physical moral and emotional danger ” to her. And that “Your Mother is fine without you. She is very happy, she never asks about you, mentions your name or cries for you at all.” . (Sedated into a stupor sleeping 22 hours a day of course not). Last one – every ten days now – “I am sure that she misses you and you her. For your convenience I would be happy to meet you near your home. I will only take five minutes of your time.”
My Mother missing me one day way back when she was apparently angry at me thinking I had left her. Inevitable. She is fed this. This “expert guardian” phoned me to say “I just wanted you to know your Mother hates you. Goodbye.”
I don’t know what to do next THANK YOU AGAIN.
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Wow my ex narc was good at this never knew what this was until i read up on it.vital info.
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OMG…I thought it was my fault!!! When my husband gets upset, he can go for day or two ignoring me. Any kind of communicationis cut off after a few words, sometimes he even just walks out of the room while I’m talking.
Says it’s my fault…etc…cut off all my friends, family….Ive lost 45lbs…miserable!! When I talk about divorce he turns back to the man I first met. Else, threatens me what will happen IF!!
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His behavior is never your fault. Blame, gaslighting, isolating you… It’s all the standard stuff. Read more, maybe find a counsellor who has knowledge and experience of personality disorders, then decide what to do. Don’t let anyone ruin your life.
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All I can say is thank God for the internet. I would have fallen to pieces otherwise. My ex husband would NEVER have sex with me if I initiated it. Even on our honeymoon. He would stonewall me when I would get upset at his lack of interest in sex. But when he wanted to have sex with me he would almost force it on me. He was sadistic and really messed up.
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It is frustrating and infuriating when someone stonewalls you but under the false pretenses of implementing no contact. It’s not fair and it’s not right and fuck them for doing this over and over. No one needs their bullshit in their life.
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Yes. But I’m sure you know that toxic people ALWAYS have a self-righteous excuse for EVERYTHING they do, and someone to blame.
Imagine how different the world would be if everyone recognized this toxic trickery?!
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My ex done this to me 3 months ago dropped me like a peice of rubbish then blocked me with out much explanation left me in a absolute mess ive never been in so much pain emotionally and physically after a break up he most definitely done stonewalling. It’s because they are utter cowards and can’t face the truth rather you sit there and let it think it’s you that is the problem heartless emotion less and let’s face it sociopaths are evil to the core mine showed signs of narcissism sociopath and psychopath. I’ve been in shock the last few months that I actually felll for someone so messed up. Very clever calculated charming individuals bombard you with love until they bleed you dry get bored change there mind then your gone like yesterday’s newspaper . three months later I’m still feeling the effects even though I’m stronger now with out articles like this and help off friends I would still be sitting here blaming myself. Stonewalling is the worse especially after you get dumped completely out of the blue when they are introducing you to there family three days before!?! Nutters need to be sectioned!stone walling is a escape goat to avoid having to face with that they have done cowards way out and shifting blame . not nice not good and tells you what type of people they are.
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Psychopaths aren’t afraid of a bad conscience because they have no conscience to begin with. No empathy. No remorse. It’s almost impossible for “normal” people to fathom that another human being can be so callous. Thanks for sharing your experience! People cannot guard themselves against these evil exploiters if they don’t know that they exist.
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Why is it wrong to beat up people?
I would just do that. But I am not allowed.
It shifts the power to me instantly.
Since I am an asshole, I don’t feel bad about it.
I’d love it.
Anyways, one tip; stop viewing your abuser as human. Your abuser is your enemy, and your enemy is either abandoned or crushed. If you don’t like crushing, or can’t do it, then just abandon. You will have to do that in the end anyway.
Bottom line is that you are responsible for taking care of yourself.
It means not giving power to emotionally retarded puny mentally distorted assholes.
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Yes, many times no contact is the best solution—when possible. We must protect ourselves from people who will harm us. However, there is a dilemma. If all victims walk away and keep quiet, the psychopath suffers no consequences for his evil actions and becomes invincible. That means more victims and more abuse. An alternative that isn’t very difficult is to walk away … and blog about the abuse. Don’t protect the bad guys—expose them!
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My soon to be ex husband is doing this to me. He always did, but I didn’t see it until recently. Hope and healing to you all.
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I am with a sociopath. I am head over heals in with her. I am so….so…..Lost. This was just discovered about 6 months ago go. We have an 8 year old son together and I don’t know what to do.
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I am disappointed with the use of gender pronouns depicting the stonewaller as male and the victim as female. Surely this article could be written without this presumption? I assure you it works both ways.
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